How to Argue!

How to Argue!

"We never fight!”

Ooooh, not good! There are lots of unresolved issues.

Or maybe…

You have just learned how to disagree to avoid the deep hurt and divide that unfair fights can cause!

What is a fight, really? Obviously, it is a disagreement, a difference of opinion. We are all different, have had different experiences which color our reactions, and differ in our expectations and underlying principles.

Disagreements are to be expected. Arguments are what we should seek to avoid.

Arguments are hostile encounters about differences of opinion.

Arguments have varying levels of emotional involvement. They may be mild annoyances over seemingly trivial daily or repeated occurrences. They might be raging encounters that end in full-on relationship altering combat. Our goal is to avoid both levels by examining HOW TO ARGUE and HOW TO NOT ARGUE.

Capitulation should never be the goal of a discussion. It does not represent increased understanding on either party’s part. Consensus is not attained. Understanding is not achieved. Compromise based on objectivity is not agreed upon. Progress is not made.

Balance and equity are not even sought.

Obvious to the objective observer and to the emotional participants is that “winning” an argument as the goal of a discussion is self-defeating. Someone is then the “loser.” Living with that label and feeling can only breed hate and discontent, neither of which is a positive component of a healthy relationship.

We have established that disagreements are normal. They can clear the air, bring to the surface differences of opinion, and lead to increased closeness and produce positive results. They can move forward the longevity of the relationship. Prior to entering a discussion or disagreement, parties should agree on ground rules. Agree on how to argue. Level the playing field and define the rules.

Things to agree on ahead of time:

What hill shall we die on?

Healthy couples agree on what important issues are worthy of discussions and what are not worthy of discussion. Caps on toothpaste tubes and issues of fidelity do not have the same weight. Which hill is worth dying on and which is merely a molehill? In order to determine the height and weight of an issue, couples can agree to address issues that may be mountains….while they are still foothills. Allowing issues to fester can only increase the resentment attached to them and elevate their discussion to an emotional high.

Agree to stick to discussion of a single issue.

Agree to stay on the subject of disagreement and not lump in other grievances. Too much fuel on the fire can cause a spark to become a conflagration. What might only have been a small issue can blaze out of control if the issue at hand becomes overwhelming, and then unsolvable. Stick to one issue.

Strive for understanding not “winning.”

Parties to a discussion need to realize it is a discussion about a specific thing, and then try to learn about the opposing opinion about that thing. The point is not to be right or wrong (judgmental) but to gain understanding. Sometimes increased understanding is all that is needed to turn that foothill into a molehill!

Take turns speaking your truth.

Be sure to take turns when discussing molehills or foothills. Taking over each other does not enhance understanding or listening. Agree to take turns before ever engaging in discussions. Just the act of listening and taking turns can derail an argument (and turn a lecture into a productive discussion.). When it is your turn to speak, be brief, be clear, don’t exaggerate, don’t name call or bring up the past. Remember that you have agreed to stay on the subject.

Agree to listen—and repeat back if that is hard to do!

Are you listening? Really? If you are, you will find repeating back what point has just been made in a positive and meaningful way, to be easy. Then state your point. It may help to begin that repeating back with the phrase “What I hear you say is…” Agreeing to take the time to listen, repeat and in that process value the other’s opinion means that you are attending to their position, and not using the time to formulate your own response and then bring holes in their logic to light. This simple trick and the time and thought it takes is often all that is necessary to keep a discussion from escalating into an argument. Acknowledging the other’s point of view is one of the reasons for a discussion. You have already agreed to this in advance and will find that it helps you to avoid being “right”.

Be clear about how you FEEL about the subject under discussion.

Agree ahead of time to be clear about your feelings. Once you have honestly identified your feelings, you can more easily describe them for the other person. That honest description will go much further in reaching compromise or consensus than yelling and being “right”. For example: “When you don’t come home after work, I feel insecure and suspicious.” “When you come home after work I feel valued and important.” You have identified what you feel and have also offered a positive alternative feeling that might lead to a better outcome for your discussion.

Avoid your partner's triggers.

Do you know your partner? Of course, you do. Remembering that your goal is to gain understanding and reach consensus, or compromise will help you to avoid things that you know are triggers to their out of control responses. Agree to avoid name calling, listing prior issues, recalling points that trigger emotions, allegations, and other distracting behaviors. You agreed to this before you have the discussion, and now it will benefit you.

Agree that gaining understanding and reaching consensus or compromise are your goals…being “right” is not a goal.

Congratulations, you have laid the groundwork for successful discussions that will work for a lifetime, and help you avoid arguments. But what if you do argue? What should you avoid in order to still have a positive outcome?

How can you “fight fair?”

When you find yourself in an argument, parties will find it harder to “fight fair.” Human beings have an inborn tendency to use all the weapons at their disposal to crush an opponent. Even though you have already agreed that “winning” is not the goal you really want, any emotional confrontation can over ride your desire to increase understanding and reach consensus or compromise. To get to consensus and compromise and avoid all the negative outcomes of an argument, you must fight fair to avoid land mines along the way.

Hit above the belt.

Don’t hit your opponent below the belt. This is not allowed in boxing. It is equally unfair in relational arguments. This means no resorting to name calling, no bringing attention to weaknesses, no hurtful comparisons or personal attacks on character. Stay focused on the issue at hand.

Don’t shut down!

This includes going ‘ghost’, walking away, and just giving up in order to end a conflict. None of these leave the other party understood, fulfilled, or satisfied. Resentments are not resolved, just put off in the moment to fester and become ingrained.

Many make the choice to do this, but only to achieve peace in the moment, not long term resolutions and enhanced closeness. It really is a passive-aggressive form of bullying and is a cowardly way of dealing with conflict through emotional sabotage.

Feel yourself getting out of control? Or feeling overwhelmed? Instead of leaving or shutting down, admit your fear of loss of control, the state of being overwhelmed, your emotional disintegration, and then ask clearly for a time out. Set another specific time to revisit the issue.

Avoid major decisions while emotionally charged.

Having a disagreement over a major issue? Having children? Money management? There are unlimited numbers of mountains to be considered and they vary by couple. Try not to make major decisions during an argumentative encounter. The emotion involved can lead to a very irrational decision that both parties will regret. Apart from the disasters that might ensue, such a decision will be fodder for resentment and future disagreements. Something you want to avoid. The path to closeness and healthy futures is not paved with emotional decisions. When emotions are high, judgment is often low, or non-existent.

Remember your own ground rules!

If you want to fight fair, remember your own ground rules. Stay on the subject. Don’t bring up the past mistakes. Avoid hurtful comments, use body language constructively and avoid things that will distract you from the subject at hand. Discuss other issues at another time.

Don’t use text.

Fighting fair can be as simple as avoiding texting points of disagreements. With no eye contact, no tone of voice, no body language, communication can go off the rails. Face to face discussion is best, phone discussion is second best, and texting is way down the list!

How to stay calm despite rising emotional levels.

Remember your ground rules. Remember your goals for the discussion which are increased understanding and consensus or compromise. Try deep breathing if you need it. Prepare what your emotional basis is for the disagreement. Think about how to best explain it. Ask yourself what you really want from the discussion and state it clearly. Give yourself plenty of time to completely discuss the issue. Seek to have a win-win conclusion that will leave both parties emotionally whole and the relationship moving forward in a healthy way.

Remember that there is no right or wrong, only different perspectives. Judging is not a prerequisite to understanding, consensus or compromise. Asking another person to “just change” without being specific and realistic is unfair.

Need to practice or explore?

Do you want to explore positive methods of addressing conflict? Here are some resources that may be helpful: Read and study together about how to enhance your communication skills. Use a qualified coach or therapist to practice your communication and consider your issues. All the efforts that you may use will help your next difference of opinion be a more positive and productive experience.

Rules of arguments: https://fs.blog/2014/10/the-ten-golden-rules-of-arguments

Bad ways of Arguing: Dr Neuman https://www.fredricneuman.com/blog

Argue Constructively: www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness

https://www.google.com/search for constructive arguing topics

Fight Fair: https://www.marieclair.com/sex-love (healthy arguing techniques)

“Love Your Life “by Oprah editors PP. 182,183

Non-Violent Communication: https://www/amazon.com/nonviolent-communication-languages-life

Argue Fairly: https://www.bustle.com/p/13 ways-to-argue-fairly-according-to-lawyers

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