Are You Vulnerable...Enough?

Are You Vulnerable…Enough?

Vulnerable is one of the catch words of modern society. It’s out there like “mindfulness” and “raw”. But when the meaning comes through as being “open, unguarded,” you may begin to question whether YOU are vulnerable…enough?

You hear the word at consciousness raising gatherings, and at team building business seminars. Couples counseling uses vulnerability as basic currency for intimacy. It is termed as the basis of a meaningful connection with your significant other or your work group.

The question really leads you to asking if being vulnerable really makes you feel connected to your partner? Do you feel connected with your team members in a business setting? Often the answer is “No, not really!” Instead, there is a feeling of being open to suffering an increased affect within a potentially hostile environment—or within an intimate relationship. A greater susceptibility to hurt is created. After all, that is a definition of vulnerability also!

We even play around with this feeling of being vulnerable. The party game “Truth or Dare” is an example. It supposedly challenges the participants to “get vulnerable.” Have you ever had the feeling that people were making up the “truth” to suit the gathered group? Being “cool” takes precedence over putting yourself in a self-conscious position. You might end up standing alone in your experiences and ending up fearful and not really a part of the group! “Never Have I Ever” is another example of how vulnerability is used to propel people into creating a persona for themselves and hoping for a place within a group.

Then there are those consciousness raising seminars! Are they the worst for manipulating the true nature of vulnerability? A leader manufactures a sharing session by first telling his own “true” experience and feelings. The telling is totally aimed at creating a feeling of “one-ness” among the persons in the room. It is a manufactured situation meant to simulate intimacy.

When your BS alarm goes off and you find yourself reluctant to “share,” expect to be either overtly or subtly called out. You are being closed and…wait for it…not vulnerable! At that point you are forced to either become defensive and/or not a team player. You may even find yourself asking an internal question: “Why can everybody else do it? But not me?” Just contributing something made up or not contributing at all, really does not make you belong to the group. The leader has a motivation, and as we shall see, that tweaks the concept of vulnerability.

The bottom line is that vulnerability is not an experience that is forced on you. Peer groups, social situations, and business meetings are really not true opportunities to be vulnerable. Instead, they are really just displays of “coolness” and conformity and exercises in participation. The pool of “real-ness” may actually be pretty shallow!

When, where, and how does real vulnerability occur?

1)A critical element is trust. In order to participate on a heart level, there must be a soul deep confidence that what you reveal will never be used against you---NO MATTER WHAT!

2)You have no expectations or ulterior motives in the elements of your vulnerability. You are not seeking to elicit a certain behavior or reaction. You have a motivation for sharing for sharing sake alone.

3)Vulnerability carries with it an element of risk. Once trust and lack of expectations are in place, there must be an element of emotional or financial danger. Will you be susceptible to ridicule or retribution by your partner, or to a devaluation by your boss or peers? Then there is a risk of being truly vulnerable.

4)True vulnerability is spontaneous. It is unplanned. Because you have trust, no expectations, and are willing to risk, the spur of the moment is your heart speaking, not your head calculating.

Clearly, true vulnerability, unlike POSING, comes from the heart and is the result of great amounts of sharing along the way, small at first, and deeper as trust grows. It is a sign of strength. Weakness is saying what is expected. Strength is in saying what is true.

Truth is not meant to be hurtful—that becomes an expectation. In that moment you are saying something about the other person. It is talking about their vulnerability, not yours. Vulnerability is a means to something that is beneficial to all concerned. It is your truth, not a directed criticism.

Vulnerability IS NOT a striving for perfection in self or others. Trying to say the RIGHT thing to cement you position IS NOT vulnerability. It is not having NO CONNECTION, a numbness in the sharing. No risk, no vulnerability.

Vulnerability, while it comes out as a feeling, often of something you are afraid of, is not an invitation for that thing to happen. Self-fulfilling prophecy—no!

Can you bring vulnerability into your personal and business relationship? It really depends on your deep personal answers to some real questions.

Are you trusting enough in the parties involved to reveal your Achilles heel? Will your fatal flaw be the open door through which you are thrown out? Are you trying to move toward fulfillment of an expectation? Will your sharing be motivating? Again, do you have trust and are you willing to take a risk? Can you honestly admit you have a plan behind your sharing.? The ugly specters of expectation, motivation, and personal benefit begin to rear their heads! Does your spontaneity sound like distant thunder? It’s really happening. Does it rumble, but rain never really falls?

Stay focused, be fully aware and know that involvement is mutual. Kindness and relevancy are present and communal sharing is occurring.

Before you know it, spontaneously, your ability to be vulnerable is present. It is unplanned. It is beneficial. Your motivation is unconscious and a mutual benefit.

The answer to the question “Are you vulnerable…enough?” is yes!

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