Make Self-Talk a Tool

Make Self Talk a Useful Tool

We all do it. We do it all the time. We all practice self-talk.

It is a constant inner voice that goes on whenever our mouth is not moving. Our mind is never quiet. It just keeps going. Daytime, we talk or self-talk. Nighttime is dreaming. It never stops. Can you make your self-talk, positive, creative and supportive? Make it work for you.

Much of our self talk is based on things we have heard somewhere before. Childhood admonitions? Repeated phrases and instructions? Promotions, slogans, opinions? Marketing managers have learned how self-talk works and use it to increase sales. Counselors use it to encourage self-image and goal achievement. We can find ways to make self-talk work for us.

Is your self-talk your own or is it coming from somewhere or someone else? Everyone can think of something that they were told as children about who or what they are that keeps coming up in self-talk. Was what someone said while reacting to a situation when you were 8 keep playing on an endless loop when you are 48? The comment may have been untrue. It may have been an opinion. It may have come from an unreliable source. The speaker may have had an agenda or a challenge of their own.

Stop playing that loop!

Create your own self talk!

Think about what you tell yourself during self-talk. How much of it is negative? Are these negative comments your own, or were they forced on you by some random or possibly pointed outside comment?

I remember being told I was messy. Now that is a negative comment! The truth is, I am NOT messy. The person who told me that was obsessively neat and had an agenda that was aimed at putting me down! Their opinion and their own reality did not represent ALL reality, just their own. I am only moderately messy—at times! My self-talk should not constantly tell me that I am messy. So DELETE!

Be who you are (messy at times) but use reality to help you determine who you are (organized at times) and that a comment made by someone years ago in other circumstances does not need to determine how you see yourself.

What if you use comments to determine your reality? Some negative self-talk may actually align with reality. Are you doomed to live out that negative self-talk? Not necessarily. There is an ability to shape self-talk in a more positive direction.

I was told I was messy. A more positive self-talk would be that “I have a personalized organizational system. Use it.” “You are messy” is negative. Using a personal organizational system is positive. Big difference! Not sure about you, but I prefer not being criticized in my thoughts for being messy but prefer being challenged to use my organizational system!

How can we meet the challenge of “over writing” our negative self-talk. Then “installing” the positive self-talk. What button do we push to make that happen?

FIRST

Listen to your own self talk. It is unique to you. Identify (and write down) comments that you hear that are negative. While you are in this evaluation stage of self-talk improvement, check to see if what you are telling YOURSELF would even enter in a conversation you might have with another person.

Using myself as an example, “You are messy.” Is something I would never say to someone else about their cluttered house! Why is it ok to say it to myself, over and over, for years? Answer: It is not ok!. It is judgmental and rude. Just because I am saying it in my head to myself and not out loud to someone else does not make it ok. Press DELETE!

SECOND

Notice that you are not alone in using or hearing negative self-talk. Being self-critical has been around since the Puritan days. Recognizing this fact will help you stop beating yourself up for having negative self-talk.

THIRD

Identify the self-talk you have in your notes (have you written them down?) that do not serve you. Some self-talk is helpful—"Look both ways before crossing the street.” – “Stop eating when you are full.” Don’t worry about other people’s opinions here. Their self-talk is not your problem or even under discussion.

Keep self-talk that serves you and keeps you safe in the world. Examine the rest.

Pick one or two things on your negative self-talk list.

Resolve to stop saying them.

Picture a computer keyboard and again hit DELETE. Or do what works for you to get them off the continuous loop in your brain. Stop saying those rude things to yourself!

FOURTH

Install positive self-talk. Take two of the identified negative self-talk comments and find something positive to tell yourself instead. Instead of “I just can’t do that!” Tell yourself. “It is possible to do that!” What a difference! It may take some time for you to believe it, but don’t give up!

How does this differ from the pop-psychology of affirmations? Affirmations may be good and will work for many people and in many situations. The negative self-talk must be eliminated first, that is the difference. This is a deny, delete and replace proposal.

FIFTH

Help yourself.

Repeat your positive self-talk often. Wake up in the morning and tell yourself your new positive self-talk before you even get out of bed. Make them “top of mind”. Get a jump on any old negative self-talk. What a way to start the day. Think how that will feel.

Remind yourself. Put a sticky note on the bathroom mirror. Repeat the positive self-talk when you break for coffee or lunch. Only you know what you need to hear. This is the ultimate in self-help. You can do it.

When using self-help, try to talk to yourself in a form other than “I” or “You”. We all tend to discount our own opinions of some things. Who died and made us experts, after all? But, if you are a narcissist, what you think and say carries the same weight as what everyone else thinks or says. Hmm, now that is another issue altogether! Avoid using “I” or “you.”

Try using “it” or some non-personal form in your self-talk. In my own example “I am messy,” might sound more like this “I have an individual organizational style.” or “This is an okay level of messiness.” Or even “This is functional.” The replacements have avoided personal opinions from the inner conversation, at least to the level that “I” am saying them.

If fear of something is creeping into your self-talk, rephrase it. “No one tells the truth.” leads to fear and doubt about everyone’s statements. “It is possible to determine truth.” changes that fear to a possibility, a challenge, and an open-ended form of self-talk.

Listen to your self-talk. Use it to keep you safe when appropriate. Press DELETE on the self-talk that holds you back. Add positive and affirmative substitutes. Treat yourself kindly. Hear your self-talk often and for years. Use it as a tool to grow and be happy. ____________________________________________________________________________

Want to learn more?

www.Psychology today.com

www.Healtheline.com

Au.reachout.com

www.Verywellmind.com

Or Search on your personal search engine.

Comments? Send them to me at karenmac1999@hotmail.com