Monogamy! Do you have it?
- Karen McGinnis
- Apr 10, 2021
- 4 min read
Monogamy! Do you have it?
Culturally we participate in monogamy. It is an agreement between two parties to be sexually exclusive with one another. It must be a shared commitment. Any other intimate “experience” outside the relationship is seen as detrimental to the relationship. Both parties willingly offer the exclusivity as a gift to each other. The loyalty is not seen as a hardship or a limitation. Breaking the commitment of exclusivity is considered an act of self-interest rather than “couple interest” or an act of relationship building. Breaking that commitment to exclusivity is also seen as breaking the inherent trust that exists in a monogamous relationship.
What are the questions that might arise when one or both parties in a monogamous relationship finds themselves looking outside the committed pair?
· Can the draw to an outside party be shared openly with the partner? Why not? If it’s a secret and not sharable, it by definition is considered an experience outside the committed relationship.
· Why are you looking outside the relationship for experiences? Does it mean there is some lack within the relationship that is not being addressed?
· Is the reason for looking outside the relationship due to a failure, a challenge or a misunderstanding?
· Is there undue influence from a third party to look outside the relationship?
· Can a defect within the committed couple’s relationship be addressed with improved communication or other means? Would the actions and expressions being sent outside the relationship actually improve the committed pairs relationship if they were directed instead at the existing relationship?
· Is it an act of avoidance to look elsewhere to meet needs rather than looking to improve an existing relationship?
· Are the needs being met outside the relationship impossible to meet within the existing relationship, despite constant and repeated attempts to get needs met?
· Will the behavior of looking outside the relationship bring about change that will benefit the relationship? Can it be discussed prior to any action being taken?
· Will resentment be addressed if an experience outside the relationship is initiated? Or will it prove to be a negative in the existing relationship?
All these hard questions lead many to question whether a monogamous relationship is natural for human beings in the first place. Throughout history and across cultures there have been other relational forms besides monogamy. Multiple partners at one time contributed to societies that equally shared the raising and care of dependent individuals. Whose child or old person needed care was of little import. All provided care and maintenance.
As societies changed the general form became more monogamous. The parental couple took responsibility for the care and provision of their dependents. As a result, the emotional, financial and physical relationships of the parental pairs required a commitment to cover the long period of time it took to even bring an infant to adulthood. Monogamy became the dominant relationship type in these societies.
The awareness of the incidence of parties seeking experiences outside monogamy have raised the question of whether or not monogamy is appropriate in our society at this time in history. The questions lead us to wonder if we have reached or even passed the Peak Monogamy level.
There is no current hard evidence that monogamy leads to longevity, happiness, health, sexual satisfaction or emotional intimacy. But, there is no evidence that it does not.
There are a multitude of options within monogamy that can be considered. Among them are:
Marital Monogamy: This level of commitment and exclusivity exists over a lifetime between two people.
Social Monogamy: This involves two people living together and acquiring assets together.
Sexual Monogamy: Partners commit to have sexual exclusivity with each other.
Genetic Monogamy: A sexually monogamous relationship formed to guarantee the genetic evidence of paternity.
Given the mores of society, a more common form of monogamy is present today. It is
Serial Monogamy.: The relationship is monogamous, does not necessarily produce offspring. It may not produce or share assets. Sexual Monogamy is generally present throughout the existence of the relationship. The parties may or may not be legally married.
Given divorce, living together arrangements, exclusive dating situations, serial monogamy may now be the dominant form of monogamy in western society.
Problems which challenge Marital Monogamy and Serial Monogamy, as well as other forms of monogamy include:
SPEED: Technology is constantly teaching us that we want what we want NOW! We seek to get it NOW rather than investing time in solving problems and improving communication. Couples just MOVE ON!
ENTITLEMENT: Here we see that society increases our belief that we deserve all the good things that monogamy may generate. Longevity, health, happiness, sexual satisfaction, and emotional connection are expected to be present. We feel we deserve it. Without an investment of time and effort, this form of entitlement may not be realized. We see this result in couples MOVING ON!
LACK of LOYALTY: Previously due to financial support demands and societal pressure, and a lack of marital role models, we see a growth of the “me generation.” Loyalty is to self, not to the other person or the relationship. There is no reason to maintain monogamy. MOVE ON.
LAZINESS: When the elements of SPEED, ENTITLEMENT, and LOYALTY are combined, a lifetime of marital monogamy becomes a Herculean effort and an unusual situation. It requires much less emotional, spiritual, and financial work to just MOVE ON.
Longevity in love and relationship is a choice. It is an investment of time and energy. It is work to know yourself and your partner. It is so much easier just to discard a current relationship in favor of one that is wished for, imagined, and searched for. The risk is that the perfection may not exist in the imagined form.
The answer to the question of whether you have monogamy or not, is probably YES. You may have some form of monogamy. You may have serial monogamy or some other form appropriate to you.
Regardless of the form of monogamy, enjoy the benefits. With the investment of effort and attention, it may continue to shower you and your partner with all that attaches to monogamy as a positive outcome.
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Want more information? Check out the following and/or consult a licensed counselor or therapist for helpful guidelines to finding and keeping a relationship strong.
Google by subject
“101 Things I Wish I knew When I Got Married” Linda and Charlie Bloom
“The 5 Love Languages” Dr. Gary Chapman
“Secrets for Success and Inner Peace” Dr. Dwayne Dyer
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