The Stages of Grief
- Karen McGinnis
- Nov 13, 2020
- 4 min read
The Stages of Grief
We have heard about the Five Stages of Grief in the news lately. Many of us were surprised! We just thought that there was one stage: Sadness. Perhaps you could expand that to two stages: Sadness and depression. Now that’s where a doctor comes in. Perhaps more correctly, a psychiatrist. And pills. We all know what an anti-depressant is. It makes you feel happy—or at least “normal”-- when you really feel like a quick jump from a high bridge is a real option!
Apparently, there are five stages of grief. It is recommended to work through the five stages, and skip the habit-forming drugs! Is that possible? Let’s see how that goes.
The stages most people work through are:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression (There it is!) and
Acceptance.
Professionals have been known to expand this into 12 stages: Add:
Shock ( brain fog, numbness)
Guilt (self blame)
Time (“It just takes time.” “Give it time!”)
Why? (God did it, why?)
Lack of Purpose ( wallowing in emotion) And then finally
Choosing life (and “getting on with it.”)
Or sometimes, they really throw in a curve ball, and shorten it to just 4 stages: Omitting: Anger (no point being mad!)
Professions also recognize that regardless of how many stages you participate in, they are cyclical. You might feel you are approaching acceptance, have a willingness to move on—only to find yourself once again wallowing in depression.
Now for the really GOOD NEWS---well actually it's really bad!
You can be thrown into the stages of grief by many normal occurrences in life!
Divorce has been likened to death of a loved one. Somehow, they are just dead to you. Often your loved one refuses to have a funeral! Along with that separation comes the death of any dreams that the couple-dom generated. Adding the element of rejection may make divorce seem more painful than the death of a loved one. Divorce is ranked as the second most stressful situation, right after death!
What could be worse than the death of a loved one? Or the rejection and hurt associated with a divorce.? Life is filled with situations where the 5 Stages of Grief occur. Among them are:
Moving,
Major illness or permanent injury
Job loss.
I would like to add a few that I feel have been overlooked by psychiatrists. They are very real for many people. They might include things like:
Incarceration or contemplation of incarceration
Pending marriage
Death, illness or injury of a child
Empty Nest syndrome
The potential of one or more of these occurring in a lifetime is a bleak prospect. Abraham Tucker is credited with saying “Forewarned is forearmed.” You know it’s coming. At least the potential is coming:
Get ready! Be prepared. Recognize that life is filled with unexpected and often unwanted occurrences. Most can not be avoided completely. The lesson here is to enjoy each day, each moment, each person as completely as you can. Positive memories and rational behavior will go a long way toward the alleviation of guilt.
Anticipate: What would the result be in an unwanted occurrence? Planning, saving, and purchasing insurance might help. Everyone has different ways of anticipating an unwelcome event. Considering them, even a little, may go a long way toward reaching a state of acceptance. Always remember that planning for tomorrow does not mean forgetting about joy today!
There is a world full of advice out there about how to deal with grief. Initially you must force yourself to realize it is reality. Let it roll over you like a truck. Be prepared to get up after being hit by a truck! Go ahead and be sad if you feel like it. Being sad is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that you are human. Human beings have emotions. It is a human characteristic.
Take time if you need it. Don’t RUSH through being sad, WORK through it. DO YOU! Everyone takes a different amount of time to work through grief. During this time, seek support from people who love you. If that pool seems shallow, or you fear the waters are dangerous, look for professional help.
Always look for positive ways to move through your sadness and step back into the light of your own personal health. Avoid things you know in your heart of hearts are just crutches or band aids on your hurt. Seek out things that will walk you through the tunnel of despair and move you closer to the sunshine on the other end.
Feel free to skip a stage of grief. if it doesn’t apply to you, let it go. And the stages are not sequential. One may hit you months later. Still normal. Each of us is unique, just as the situations are unique.
Face your grief head on. It is a regular and expected part of life. You are your own best advocate for healing. There are always open hands out there to lift you up. Seek them.
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Want to know more?
Comments and personal stories? Karenmac1999@hotmail.com
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